Thursday, 28 July 2016

What the blog?




It feels like a hundred years ago that I had Archie but sometimes I really can't believe I have a seven year old already, and I still feel like some part of me just stopped when I had him at 22.

I think it feels like such a long time ago because a lot has changed since I had him. For a start the blogging community has come on leaps and bounds in the last seven years and it seems almost a requirement for new mums to document their journey to parenthood by way of  a blog or Facebook page. I can just picture each Bounty pack coming with a 'how to blog about your baby' guide. (Do they even give out Bounty packs any more?!)

In my day (ha!) I wasn't even aware of parenting blogs. If I wanted to know something I headed to Netmums and desperately scoured forums for answers to my questions or someone to relate to. I think it's really fantastic how there's so much more for new mums (and all parents actually) out here in the Blogosphere. Mums and dads from all walks of life share their experiences online and it's great to see how others do and feel about things.

I can't help feeling a bit regretful that I didn't document my journey with Archie more clearly. I still  have my old, abandoned and deactivated Facebook account to look back on. I deleted it a couple of years ago when I felt weird about loads of people I hardly knew anymore seeing pictures of me, my life, my family. I keep it there and secretly log in from time to time to rediscover all my old posts as I navigated my way through new mum-hood. And single mum-hood. It doesn't feel like enough though. I feel sort of guilty that I haven't kept a diary or a blog with more of my thoughts and feelings about the whole parenting thing, especially as I have found it so tough. Perhaps I didn't want to share too much or be disloyal to my precious, beautiful baby boy. My hardships weren't because of gaining him, they were about feeling I'd lost me. I didn't want him to one day read them and think he made me unhappy, because he didn't.

Apart from being a parent to Archie, there are other things in my life that I feel bad about not documenting better. Even now I am going through quite an emotional time, wondering if and when I will ever have another baby. We want one, but it's not happening. Should I write about it? Does it feel ok? Not sure. I also started a degree last year which I should probably talk about more. Being a mum and a wife and working full time is HARD WORK - will I want to look back on these times? Will it help me to get through if I write about them? Then there's our move to Kent which I rarely talk about and it was (and still is) bloody hard living hours away from friends and family. Would it help me to share the homesickness, the regret, the joys? I don't know... 

I think what I am getting at is I seem to have a reluctance to share anything on here that I might later regret. Does every blogger feel this? What's the point in keeping a blog if it doesn't actually share anything genuinely me? Does anyone care about my recipe or crochet posts? Doubt it. Do I really want to post about that stuff? Not really - I'd rather tell you how I ate 6 bags of crisps coz I felt like an ugly piece of shit only to realise life is worth living because Archie drew me a picture of a mildly perturbed reindeer. 

Mum-hood is confusing. Life is shitty and confusing too. Blogging is weird and confusing.

Lots of love, 
Amy xxx

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